motivation

i always struggle with motivation to lose weight.

do i hate the way i look in the mirror?
YES

do i hate the way my clothes fit?
YES

am i embarrassed by my appearance?
YES


and yet...nothing changes. it's like i'm destined to continue a cycle of self destruction where i eat bad foods and complain about my life...when i'm the one destroying it. and i make resolution after resolution...this time will be different, this time i'll do this or that and fix things. granted i suck at fixing myself. i went to boxing once and it was amazing, i desperately want to go again but i did not sleep at all on monday night and had a huge fibromyalgia flareup so i was bedridden for the majority of yesterday...so no boxing. however tomorrow i intend to pickup running again and go at least 3 days before monday. i can't keep being this person i detest but i still seem incapable of making the requisite changes to actually like myself. so we'll give it another go. today wasn't so bad, nonfat vanilla late with an almond croissant for breakfast (bad and my only indulgence of the day). however lunch i've had organic oatcakes with organic peanut butter and a big glass of water. healthy. unfortunately i'm now out of oatcakes and out of peanut butter so i will have to buy more if i want to eat it again.

i'm approx £200 shy of rent and it is upsetting. my mother is filing for bankruptcy. i'll go around tomorrow and try to get buyers for some dvds and sell a pair of cursed loubies i will not wear and hopefully get around £100 out of that. then i'll only need £100 more. except rent was due on the 20th. fucking fuck.


my life? awesome.