there is love in heaven; all will be forgiven

so i'm feeling a lot of pressure in my life to 'snap back to it'. to my life, to the person i was...pressure from myself and a bit from those surrounding me. like at work. but most of the pressure i am putting on myself in terms of my friendships. i have some amazing friends, women (and ben!) who truly make my life meaningful and make me a better person. when my dad died i died too. and i stopped being a friend to those who tried to be there for me because i didn't (and don't) know how. how to be there for them, how to care about their life when mine is breaking. and it makes me feel like a bad person. i don't want to feel a divide between my friends and myself. but in doing so i feel a divide within myself. i feel like i need to get back to chatty bubbly sara because that is who i am and what is expected. but at the same time i am falling apart inside, there is no solution and i'm not really certain time will heal anything. time will dull the pain. there is no healing from this.

the only solution i've found to being a whole person is to put my 'normal' sara hat on top of my true hat which is my feelings, my sadness and anger and sorrow and overwhelming emptiness in order to go forward with my life and be the person i am expected.

and while people have been so kind and offered to be here if i need to talk...there is no talking about this. i have no words, nothing could even begin to measure up to the depth of pain and the permeation of these feelings into my life. and no one understands unless they've lost a parent, and even if they have....it is still an isolating process. even my beautiful siblings i cannot reach out to them, i don't know how to say what i am feeling and how (if) i am grieving, we are all alone in our hurt and there is no coming together of anyone despite how beautifully idealistic it might seem.

we are fractured and there is no cure. we tear at our stitches because we need to feel something and to not feel an overwhelming sense of loss is to forget, to deny how important he is and will always be. there is no was there just is.